Did I Really Say That?

I love reading old school papers and journal entries and finding gems among them. Some wise, some ridiculous… it’s good to remember who I was then, for better or for worse.

Oh, Wes... looking fine in the red and black.

Age 14 (2004-2005)

“It’s tricky to balance the essence of who I am on paper.”

“Hmm… I’ll talk about my current opposite sex interests! Wesley Crusher [from ST:TNG], Char [from Ella Enchanted]… real life dudes? I dunno. Brandon H. [from Jump5] maybe?”

Jump5 down to Jump4... I must audition!

“I wonder how much Krista charges for voice lessons? I know I couldn’t be pro, but if I ever want to be with Jump5 I need to do something.”

“Oh gosh. You’re cool, God. Like I was praying earlier, help me ‘get it.’ …I’ve been praying for a ‘breakthrough’ for years, and in retrospect I can see you’ve given me one…Now please, move me to the next step. I want to be bold and open when I pray and minister. I want to be… well, a lot like Gail, knowing how to use my God-given authority and changing lives on a daily basis.”

“Like, I can spend a 1/2 hour praying. but can I be nice to my family and do my algebra?”

“Gosh! [Friend] is so lucky! Everyone has a crush on her!”

Age 15 (2005-2006)

“I’m so excited about White! …Ted Dekker is the new Frank Peretti.” (The first time I wrote about Ted.)

“I just watched the NCIS season finale. Gibbs quit, out of guilt that no one believed him about a terrorist attack and a bunch of civilians died. If CBS doesn’t bring him back, I’m going to do something desperate, like storm into CBS with a gun.”

Age 16 (2006-2007)

“What is God’s holiness? It’s his aura of goodness. His purity and love is what makes him holy and honored and exalted and glorified. His goodness becomes almost tangible around his throne and shines over all the universe. Could God be holy and glorious if he wasn’t good? No.”

“What has happened to me? Five years ago, or even 3 or 4, I wouldn’t have believed it. I’m chomping at the bit to go to a revival meeting but only 50-50 about winter camp? Who is this girl? I go online and share a verse in every thread? Where did she come from?”

“What do you know, I’m totally tearing up and not even sobbing. This is rare. If only I could do this on stage. Wow. I have tears running down my nose. If only I could recreate this moment.”

“Okay, so seriously get this — [guy I liked] escorted me to my seat! Sigh. I know I sound so stupid, but cut me some slack — it’s Valentine’s Day for crying out loud!”

My life every Tuesday at 8.

“Guess what! I’m wearing five bandaids and a piece of gauze! Fun! …Got blood everywhere. Probably stained the towel really bad[ly]. The bathroom looked like a crime scene. A team could still find traces, I’m sure. But I still have the cuts to prove I wasn’t attacked, though I’d have to insist that a female officer verified that.”

“Tony [DiNozzo] said the only thing he hates more than Klingons is lawyers. Did you hear that thump? That was Tony falling to the bottom of my list of people I like.”

“There [are] lots of people I know I could trust with my life if it came to that, but not a lot I trust to treat me respectfully on a day-to-day basis. If I’m a life worth saving, aren’t I a life worth being courteous to every day?”

[After my sister read some of my old journal without permission] “It was stupid shallow stuff anyway. Now if she read this book… I’d have to move to Hong Kong.”

“What am I really willing to pay? My life, that’s easy. But living without what? My family, my body? My ability to act? My comfortable RC home?”

Age 17 (2007-2008)

“I overheard [guy I liked-yes, same guy!] saying ‘I can’t even say it, it’s so bad.’ I have no idea what he was referring to, but I just loved that he wouldn’t say it. Am I getting sappy here?… If I marry him I’m going to have fun showing him all this, but if I don’t (99.9% likely) maybe I’d better burn them.”

“Jesus, I love you. I’m freaking fed up with other people’s problems right now and I just need to take a time out to say that.”

“What would happen if I went up to the next person with crutches I see and asked if I can pray for them? The flat-out honest truth is I’m scared nothing will happen. I’m scared I’ll get out of line and God won’t show up.”

“I was a shy cowering apathetic wreck in jr high. That may be an exaggeration, but I’ve definitely come a very long way.”

Age 18 (2008-2009)

Still love it.

“[The Twilight books] are very good, actually. Somewhere between Romeo and Juliet and Thomas and Chelise. With a heavy dose of vampire danger thrown in for good measure. It’s exactly the kind of romance I love – the tearing, the heartbreak, the agony, the wanting what you can’t have – or rather, putting your life in your boyfriend’s hands every time he kisses you. Because he’s a vampire, and you smell exceptionally tasty. But he loves you so desperately and selflessly with every fiber of his being that you trust him implicitly and love him too exactly as much. Every twinge of pain the other feels cute you even deeper, especially when the pain is of your own making. But every pain inflicted and every lie told is in the name of love and protection, because you’d rather have your heart torn out than have any harm come to this person who has become your entire world, the only reason your heart goes on beating. You love him enough to sacrifice your humanity to become a vampire like he is, to be his equal, to be able to live with him and fight for him and love him in every way a woman should for the rest of all eternity. This is Twilight. Complicated further when there is a werewolf in the picture who, in another life, you could nearly as easily have given your heart to and with whom you could have been nearly as happy. It’s Deanna and Worf when she already knows that Will is her imzadi and no one else could ever be half as precious. But still… it’s heartbreakingly complicated. To love two men, neither of whom is truly a man, who incidentally are mortal enemies… But there can only be one Truest Love. Edward. The vampire.”

“Jesus, I know you’re still on the throne, but… Obama?! O-freakin-BAMA?!!! Lord, I don’t know if it’s theologically possible for one 18-yr-old American citizen to come to you to repent for her nation, but that’s what I want to do.”

“I’m gorging myself on the picture on the outside of the package instead of taking the time to open the package and actually eat the chocolates.”

“Anyone who includes ‘Greater understanding of… the hunger that doesn’t take, but gives life’ in the course outline is ok by me.”

“The Great Romance was made for joy, not for sorrow. The love between men and women was meant to be an extension and a reflection of the love between us and God, not the other way around. Priorities. God first. Everything else grows out of that relationship. Don’t lust after a feeling.”

“But still God, if you did want to lock me up in the prayer room for the next fifty years, okay. Just promise me it will be good and you’ll meet me and I will really swim in heaven and affect the world, and I’ll go anywhere and do anything. Including staying single.”

Age 19 (2009-2010)

“Let people see your declaration on my resume, ‘THIS IS MY BELOVED DAUGHTER IN WHOM I AM WELL PLEASED. HIRE HER.'”

“When I am secure in my identity, the fear of rejection is lessened and I am free to offer my friendship to others, knowing that it is something valuable.”

“I want a reliable, artistic, radical, satisfying career. (Can I even put reliable and radical in the same sentence?)”

Age 20 (2010-2011)

“I want to feel like I am using my soul and wasting my life. That’s it. Sometimes I wonder if my college education is using my life and wasting my soul.”

Disney's depiction of Ramandu's daughter

“When I look like the tar creature that killed Tasha, he is just itching to clean me off with a wave of his hand and make me like… Ramandu’s daughter, or Galadriel. Beautiful and shining.”

“What more fulfilling life could I dream of than lavishing my love on my Jesus? My heart just melted as I wrote that. It’s so true for me. I am a Mary. I can never escape that, and I will never be fully happy until I fully embrace it.”

Age 21 (2011-2012)

“I want to do stuff, make friends with homeless people, give away hundreds of dollars, move somewhere crazy. I want to sew doll saris and give the money to World Vision. I want to learn guitar and play my songs in the park…I have that yearning, anxious, lonely, dreamy feeling again.”

And that brings us up to the present. What journal entries will be added here in the future, I wonder?


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Rebekah Hicks
    Mar 19, 2012 @ 23:19:54

    I live this! I could totally hear me saying some of these things as well way back when! It’s funny, looking back at old journals and seeing how far you hav come from certain areas!


  2. Leanna
    Mar 25, 2012 @ 22:40:10

    …I have old journals too. 🙂 It is somehow mortifying and gratifying all at once to read back through them.


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