Deliver Me

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A few weeks ago, I posted about my car’s breakdown and having to choose joy in the midst of stress. Here’s the sequel to that episode and what God was teaching me in it.

Idris broke down on Sunday, February 14, (happy Valentine’s Day to me) and was in the shop until Saturday, February 20. It took the mechanic a while to figure out what was wrong with it, so for almost a week, I had no answers — and no car.

The Tuesday of that week in my Desert Spirituality class (we’re studying the Egyptian Coptic monks of the 4th and 5th centuries) my teacher posed a challenge: Meditate on one verse for a week. The verse assigned was Psalm 70:1.

“Make haste, O God, to deliver me!

O Lord, make haste to help me!”

 

I admit, although I undertook the challenge enthusiastically, at first I couldn’t really connect with it. David was asking the Lord for deliverance from men who were trying to kill him. Being unable to relate to that situation and feeling pretty secure in most areas of my life, I wrestled with the question, “What do I need deliverance from?”

On Friday, while walking from my piano lesson back to the prayer room, I got a call from my mechanic. Long story short, my catalytic converter was blocked and needed to be replaced ($600) but this was only a symptom of a larger untracable problem and the blockage would only build back up over time (six months to two years) and possibly damage more things along the way, sooooo… his advice was that I start looking for a new car.

GREAT news to hear on a Friday morning!

I sat down in the prayer room, opened my journal to where I had started to write about Psalm 70:1, and thought wryly, “Welp, I know what I need deliverance from now.”

But in the next moment, I knew it wasn’t my car situation itself that I needed deliverance from. It was my attitude about my car situation.

I needed deliverance from fear. Worry. Distrust. The enemies I was fighting were all internal.

Crazy how I get the most revelation and encounter when I’m suddenly in some sort of desperate situation… when I suddenly realise how much I need Him.

At noon, right at the beginning of her set in the prayer room, Erica Jensen started singing a song by Audrey Assad that has recently become very dear to the entire IHOPKC community since Audrey sang it at Onething. (You can watch the set HERE, and you can even see me in the front row. It’s kind of weird to watch the exact moment God was impacting my heart!)

From the love of my own comfort
From the fear of having nothing
From a life of worldly passions
Deliver me O God

From the need to be understood
From the need to be accepted
From the fear of being lonely
Deliver me O God
Deliver me O God

And I shall not want, I shall not want
When I taste Your goodness I shall not want
When I taste Your goodness I shall not want

“I Shall Not Want” by Audrey Assad

It was exactly what I needed to hear.

That night, Misty Edwards sang the exact same song at Encounter God service. It was a powerful moment. Even Misty was choking up and had trouble finishing the verse. (You can watch that set HERE. The song starts around 33 minutes.)

Lord, deliver me from fear of not having what I need. Deliver me from trying to figure things out on my own. You are my shepherd, and I shall not want. I lack nothing with You. I rest in Your presence and provision.

Enjoy Audrey Assad singing I Shall Not Want at Onething 2015:

Epilogue: I paid for the repair and got Idris back on Saturday, February 20. I’ve been driving her gently ever since (except that one time I drove to Dallas last weekend…) and she’s been behaving very nicely for me.

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A Letter to Myself One Year Ago

Dear Caitlyn,

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Don’t freak out. I promise I didn’t rip a hole in the space-time continuum to send this to you. Wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey, okay?

So, it’s December 2014 for you. Your heart is still sore, but you’ve survived thus far. You’ve still only let go about 86%, but you’ve embraced joy and trust and are moving forward. There will be moments when it still hurts, but the worst is behind you, I promise– and there WILL come a time when you’re actually grateful for everything that happened and glad it worked out this way. Sounds impossible, but trust me on this. Jesus knows what He’s doing, and rocky roads can lead to happy endings.

In the meantime, cling to the things God has given you. Worship. Song of Solomon. Friendships. The Prayer Room DFW. Small group. Mary of Bethany.

Start dancing again.

You have so many good things ahead of you. You’re going to teach and chorus lead and worship lead. You’re going to develop partnerships and dream post-grad dreams. You’re going to touch your home state with what He’s placed in you. You’re going to fall in love with a little house of prayer in Texas and gain a precious family.

You’re going to have crushes and go on dates (kinda), but keep guarding your heart. Sorry, 2015 Caitlyn is still single. It’s okay, though. You’re going to learn a lot and have no regrets. It’s going to be a battle, because you’re going to want to take control and make that happen ASAP. DON’T. It’s okay to go out of your way to be friends, but you still have to keep your heart free from that control spirit. You want to be pursued. You really do. Hang in there.

This is your year to blossom in ministry. You’ll learn how to worship lead and pour out hours upon hours in an empty room. You’ll help (a little bit) lead a ministry trip. You’ll teach and serve and fall in love all over again with the house of prayer.

Learn to put boundaries around your schedule. The summer at home is going to be hard. Don’t get lazy. Make goals and follow through. Find a church. Find a prayer room and go regularly. Go on lots of coffee dates. Relationships matter.

Please try to keep the Netflix binging to a minimum. Spend time writing and playing piano– AND GOING TO BED ON TIME. I know this is mostly wishful thinking, but give it a try, for me, okay?

You’re going to be moving a lot this year. Learn to pack light. You don’t actually need as much stuff as you think you do. Take care of Idris. She’s going to have a lot of miles on her this year. (Check the oil regularly– don’t let the Thanksgiving scare happen again.)

2015 will have its ups and downs, but it will mostly be just so rich. Treasure every moment. You only get this season once, and how you respond to it will not only affect the next season, but it will either grow or dull your heart and it has the potential to bring you massive rewards in the next age.

So respond well. Be fully present and alive in the moment. Give yourself to your calling. Love Jesus well. You’ve got a good, good ride ahead of you.

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Love, Caitlyn

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Arlington, TX
December 2015

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P.S. — I know you kind of hate him right now, but the 12th Doctor will grow on you. Give this new season a chance; it’s going to be great!